What Does Your Grieving Friend Wants You to Know

We don’t really like to talk about grief, death, or loss. Many words end up unsaid and many emotions stay suppressed for a long time as a result.

I didn’t realize that we are at the age of losing our loved ones until it happened to me. Another thing I didn’t realize was that no one really knows how to talk about loss or even what to do when a friend loses a loved one.

Recently, I lost my father and found myself immersed in different feelings, and most of all I was left with confusion. I was confused because it seemed like no one really knew what I was going through or they weren’t even able to understand the concept of losing someone loved.

Why we don’t speak about loss or feel frightened to talk about loss is still a big mystery to me. When I look back, I was on the same boat as everyone else before; avoiding the topic altogether. We shouldn’t necessarily have to go through loss ourselves in order to empathize with others who are going through the process. These few empathy thoughts could facilitate a deeper understanding.

We don’t forget about the loss just because you didn’t mention

One and the most immediate thing I realized when I lost my father was almost everyone avoids the topic, name, or the fact that death even happened. When I look back at my history of talking about loss, I see the same pattern: avoidance. When we go to events, meetings, or friend hangouts, almost everyone avoids opening up the subject, asking about the person, or asking about feelings overall. The intention behind the avoidance is actually pretty innocent; not triggering the person or not reminding them of their loss.  

The problem is that when you lose someone significant in your life, you never forget that person! Even during simple daily events like eating, drinking, watching TV, or other activities, the loved one will always be in mind. The show they liked, the food they enjoyed, or the words they used cannot be forgotten.

What could be a better way to handle this type of situation? Simply, asking about feelings. Talking can give an opportunity to release and process grieving emotions. Also this can actually show that you care, you didn’t forget and you understand.

We can feel better when expressing our feelings or story

This one may not apply to everyone who is going through loss. However, many times, talking about the lost person, memories, emotions, and the overall situation can be really helpful for a grieving person to process emotions.

Often people underestimate the positive effects of talking to one another. Asking questions, active listening, and practicing empathy can not only strengthen the communication between two friends but also can help the grieving person feel cared for and understood.

We may look “normal”, but still feel storms inside 

As time goes by, everyone slowly returns back to normal, except for the grieving person. Unlike the famous saying “time heals everything”, time may not really show significant changes right away. As everyday events and occurrences continue, we may “act” like everything is normal not to look out of place.

Think of a birthday party of a close friend. We may go to a very dear friend’s birthday and seem very “normal”. However inside, we may feel deeply disconnected or we could be controlling emotional responses. This doesn’t mean that we don’t want to go to the fun events and friends’ gatherings anymore. Of course, being around loving friends and family can be very healing. But just know that If we act out of the normal, that’s because we are still adjusting.

Probably the loss runs through our minds all the time 

We may not be crying or looking sad all the time, but this doesn’t mean that we are not thinking of our loved ones. You may see lots of laughter, joy, and fun. However in every step of the way, we are probably thinking about the lost person, the things we could’ve done together, their preferences, or even how they would react to certain situations.

Your emotional and physical support is needed more than ever before

Going through loss may bring out a variety of emotions to the surface. Most of them will be negative emotions. A grieving person may feel lonely, sad, depressed, angry, frustrated, guilt, or even shame. These emotions are hard to go through without support from family and friends. In other words, any of your support is much needed and appreciated.  

You can show your support with a phone call, message, a flower, a dinner, or whatever makes more sense to you. What matters is your intention. Your emotional and physical support is needed more than ever!

We feel like we may bore you with negative emotions

A grieving person is immersed in grief and grieving emotions for a long time. Negative emotions may be very overwhelming at times and we may be afraid to bore you with negativity or sadness. Yes, sharing emotions and talking can help, and probably we do want to explain even more to you, but with your permission and interest only!

So if you ask about our feelings or if you are interested in what we are going through, we may feel permitted to share emotions without feeling guilty.