How Your Childhood Shapes Your Relationship

We often tend to underestimate the effects of childhood experiences on our relationships.

What if I told you that you are still replicating whatever you experienced in your childhood?

From the time we are born, we all have important needs as a human. If these needs are met, we can successfully bring those learned values into our relationships later on, as an adult as well. But if those needs are not met, and gone neglected, we may waste years -perhaps even a lifetime- chasing those important qualities that feel like a huge void within.

Here are some core values that you may be bringing into or longing for in your current relationships:

·      Safety

Safety is a core value that we all need and deserve. If your safety needs weren’t met as a child, this can create a variety of problems as an adult.

The feeling of safety is created with reliability, trust, guidance, security, predictability, and consistency received from the parent. If the child doesn’t feel secure in the house environment or if the parents are not consistent in fulfilling the child’s needs, this sense of safety may be missing.

A child who lacks feelings of safety may experience difficulties with intimacy, vulnerability, and trust as an adult in relationships. They may have an excessive need for control, jealousy, and fear of loss of their partner.

On the flip side, a person who grew up feeling safe will have confidence in themselves, to begin with. This confidence reflects in relationships as intimacy, connection, vulnerability, and holding space for the significant other.

Learned beliefs and values during childhood can effect your adult relationships.

·      Love

We learn about unconditional love from the moment we are conceived. Especially the first years of life are the most important times to build love and connection with our parents, therefore our environment.

Especially if the parents struggle with mental health issues themselves, have narcissistic or perfectionist traits, these can reflect on the child as well. During this time frame, if we feel neglected, rejected, constantly criticized, or if we experience abuse, these may affect the internal sense of love.

People who grew up without a clear feeling and understanding of love may have difficulty identifying what love is in their intimate relationships as well. For example, they may confuse love with sex or an abusive partnership.

On the contrary, someone who has a clear sense of love will be able to identify the red flags of a relationship early on and move away from toxic cycles easier. They will feel comfortable only in loving relationships where they continue receiving a familiar sense of love.

·      Autonomy

Autonomy and confidence can go hand in hand. Autonomy in a sense is one of our most basic needs as a human that we develop with the support of our parents. When we are taught to be autonomous, we start to build a sense of self-reliance, confidence, and self-trust. 

People who lack autonomy may easily doubt themselves and their abilities to handle different situations. In intimate relationships, these people may constantly look for validation, acknowledgment, and approval. They may change their preferences and identity to mirror others.  

·      Trust

Just like love, trust is a feeling that we build with the help of our caregivers very early on. We look for important cues such as having our significant needs met such as eating or sleeping. How our parents are attuned to our needs can contribute to building that sense of trust as well.

If the caregivers miss the significant needs of the child, or if they fail to meet the needs of a child on a regular basis, this may taint the child’s sense of safety. As a result, it may be difficult for them to trust different people and relationships.

People who grow up with an unstable sense of trust may find it difficult to trust their partners as well. They may have commitment issues, and jealousy problems or they may easily feel unsafe in a relationship.

On the other hand, when someone has a stable sense of trust within, they can connect with their partners easier, and be in tune with them. This kind of trust can be a crucial ingredient in any healthy relationship.