Are You Growing Up to Be Like Your Parents?

As we age, slowly but surely, many of us start to feel like we are turning into our parents. Have you ever wondered why you react just like your mom to certain situations? Or did you realize that your behavioral patterns are more and more resembling your father's? Probably you are right, you are very much like your parents! And there is a reason for that.

Oftentimes clients come to me with this exact problem. People who may have experienced neglect, abuse, or lack of support from their parents, ironically, may find themselves in a relationship in which they suffer and feel absolutely unhappy. Yet, they can’t seem to move away from that toxic relationship. Although we may consciously know exactly what type of relationship we don’t want in life, we may continue to find ourselves in those types of relationships unconsciously.

It’s all in your subconscious mind 

Have you ever heard of the saying “What fires together, wires together”? The very first person who talked about this phenomenon is the Canadian neuropsychologist Donald Hebb. Supercamp.com explains this sentence in a short and clear way: “Every experience, thought, feeling, and physical sensation triggers thousands of neurons, which form a neural network. When you repeat an experience over and over, the brain learns to trigger the same neurons each time.”

The language of the subconscious mind is associations. Think of the subconscious mind as a very intelligent computer. Every sense, sentence, emotion, definition is coded in the subconscious mind with the associations we create. This is why you may randomly hear a song on the radio and it takes you back to a moment with your lover.

Just like that, the subconscious mind also associates everything from relationship values to meanings of actions while growing up. For example, growing up, if you witnessed that in a family relationship man goes to work and the woman stays at home and takes care of kids; when you grow up and create your own family, you may seek to have a dynamic similar to that. Because naturally, your subconscious believes that’s how a family should be.

Similarly, when it comes to showing a reaction to a situation or expectations about work, relationships, or life; you may find that what you look for or your emotional response is very similar to your parents. After all, growing up, you observed them every day!

“What fires together, wires together”

You are familiar with your parents

Our complex minds prefer familiarity and repeating the same patterns rather than stepping into an unknown field. This way, we can conserve the brain’s energy and continue with survival. Therefore, the subconscious mind likes to stick with the existing associations and patterns after we learn them.

Think about it, we spend about 90% of our days repeating patterns. From our daily timeline to brushing teeth, the road we take to go to work to the way we take showers; everything we do is pretty much repeating the same behaviors. Because it’s so much easier and more comfortable to follow the same patterns of behavior over and over again rather than creating new ones. 

Eventually, we create a comfort zone out of our patterns and anytime we attempt to move out of this comfort zone we may experience resistance, difficulty, or we may feel like something is wrong.  

The calculation is simple: You learn and associate by observing your parents growing up and you stick with them since you are familiar with their way of being unless you become aware of your patterns and decide to change.

Imagine that when you were growing up, your mother was mostly cooking pasta, potatoes, or rice. As a result, when you grow up, you will be more inclined to consume these types of foods because you are familiar with them and also maybe these foods bring out the positive associations of love and family. No wonder why you couldn’t stop eating carbs even though you knew they would make you gain weight!

Don’t worry, there is a way out!

So now we know that the subconscious mind learns with associations. We create these associations mostly from parents as we grow up and that’s why we repeat their ways of being. But as we grow up, it becomes apparent that parents aren’t perfect and some of the things they do are actually pretty unhealthy. How can you stop yourself from falling into the same mistakes as your parents?

Unfortunately, the answer is not as easy as just stopping or changing that action. Or else, many people wouldn’t be attracting toxic relationships like their parents or they could easily adopt healthy eating patterns, right? Changing behaviors is not as simple as you may think because the subconscious mind really dictates our actions. Another fact about the subconscious mind is that it doesn’t really like changes.

So again, how can we create our own path and leave behind the mistakes that our parents did?

Awareness

The first step to change anything is awareness. Try to become aware of the patterns that you’ve been repeating for a while. For example, look for the problematic areas in your life. Is the topic or types of events are always the same? Are you attracting the same type of people in your life? Do you find yourself struggling with the same issues over and over again?

Instead of blaming others or situations, look inside. What is it about you that you attract similar things into your life? Once you start questioning your patterns, you can become aware of them and start working on changing them!

Master your subconscious mind with repetition 

Even though you became aware of your patterns, it’s likely that you will continue to repeat the same patterns. So start challenging your everyday patterns! This may be something as simple as changing the route you take to go to work or using your left hand more if you are right-handed. However, the key is repetition! 

Start challenging your toxic patterns as well. Be careful in this area though. When it comes to changing the foundational patterns, you should take small but consistent steps in order to bypass resistance. For example, let’s go back to the familiar carbohydrate diet. If you become aware of your unhealthy attraction to carbs and want to break this cycle, don’t stop eating carbs altogether. The first step can be keeping the pasta portions small and adding veggies on the side or eating very small pieces of potatoes while adding protein by it. Again, the key is being consistent and repeating the new changes every day until they become your new way of being.

Let’s think of a more complex example. A kid who was neglected or constantly criticized by parents is most likely going to feel more comfortable in relationships in which he is not valued and cared for. To break this pattern, the first step is to become aware of this comfort and familiarity in a toxic relationship. Next could be slowly changing the way he perceives himself as a person. As the person starts to care, love, and accept themselves, they can leave toxic relationships easier while opening up to more positive relationships.

Don’t be afraid to seek help 

If you find that you’ve been battling with your subconscious beliefs embedded by your parents for a long time but yet you had little to no change, don’t stress yourself too much. When we are in the problem, it’s really hard to see outside of the problem. Don’t be shy to ask for help from professionals.  

Hypnotherapy is an effective and simple method for changing toxic patterns and behaviors. During hypnosis, the subconscious mind becomes more suggestible and open than usual. Additionally, traditional therapy methods such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) could be very helpful to increase awareness and eventually to change.

By seeking help, you would be making your journey a lot easier and quicker. When you work with someone who is experienced and knowledgeable in the area, you would be moving forward much confidently than struggling all by yourself.