6 Signs of Emotional Unavailability in Romantic Relationships

Living in Los Angeles in my 30s, I am surrounded by friends who are single and trying to find a soulmate in the dating game. I have to say, I feel blessed that I am married and was able to connect with my partner at some point because it feels like connecting with someone who is emotionally available has never been this hard.

Of course, there can be many reasons why someone is not emotionally available to associate with another person intimately. Being emotionally unavailable is not a new concept. But I believe that lately, the number of people who use being “emotionally unavailable” as an excuse has increased significantly.

Perhaps social media, expectations, and the ease of meeting with someone contributed to the fact that people are just overwhelmed with options, and most of them, keep searching for the better one.

If you are dating someone who is emotionally unavailable, it would be important to spot them as early as possible so you don’t heavily invest yourself in that connection.

Here are some signs your partner may show when emotionally unavailable:

• Ghosting

Ghosting is a term we frequently see on social media. Ghosting happens when a friend, partner, or family member stops communication without any warrant. It may feel like this person vanished in thin air and could leave you feeling angry, sad, self-conscious, or upset.

If they respond to your messages once a week (clearly they are checking their phone meanwhile!), they fail to respond to your calls or even call you back later, they are not responsive to your attempts to get to know each other on a deeper level; they may be ghosting you slowly but surely.

• Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a scary term and it can easily be associated with emotional abuse. It is a form of manipulation that leads the victim to question their own emotions and thoughts. For example, after you explain your emotions to this kind of partner, they may say certain things that make you feel like you are wrong, your emotions are not valid or it’s your fault.

There are a lot of contributing elements that make gaslighting very toxic. Gaslighting discredits you and your feelings, denies responsibility, minimizes your emotions, shifts your attention, and blames you instead.

Gaslighters may use sentences like “Are you crazy?”, “I’ve never said that”, “What are you talking about?” or “You make things up in your mind”.

• Manipulation

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation but clearly, it’s not the only one. Manipulation can be a very abusive and powerful tactic that you may feel like you are alone and helpless, and the only person you have is your partner.

Isolation from friends and family, gaslighting, lying, threatening, and passive-aggressive behavior are common forms of manipulation. It may be difficult to spot that your partner may be manipulating you because they may claim that “they are doing it for your own good” or “you need help”.

If you constantly doubt yourself while in a relationship with this person, feel hurt, sad, or not satisfied in that relationship, have to defend yourself and your emotions, or don’t feel safe in the relationship; you may be dealing with manipulation.

It’s important to spot an emotionally unavailable partner to avoid any long-term disappointment.

• Shutting down 

Since emotionally unavailable people have difficulty expressing their emotions, they may shut down and distance themselves from you when things get slightly intimate. It can be difficult to trust and be authentic with others for emotionally unavailable people.

If you find that your conversations are mostly on the surface level, your questions are rerouted when you try to learn more about them or if they only commit to meeting at places where it’s difficult to have intimate conversations, you may be facing an emotionally unavailable person.

• Lack of intimacy

Intimacy is an important element of any relationship. It is the sense of support, safety, emotional connection, and sense of being close. Intimacy is something we build with each other as we get to know one another more and more.

If you find that your relationship is not gaining depth with your partner no matter how much time you spend together, it may be due to a lack of intimacy. When someone is emotionally unavailable, they may avoid important conversations, significant events, or connecting on a deeper level with you.

• Self-distraction

When someone is emotionally unavailable they may engage in self-distracting activities to create a buffer between themselves and situations where they may feel emotionally vulnerable. Common examples of self-distraction can be excessive gaming, social media addiction, workaholism, and overindulging in late-night outs to the point where it’s happening every night.

What to do

Unfortunately, there is not much to do when you are dealing with an emotionally unavailable person other than deciding whether you really want to spend time with someone who may affect you negatively or not.

The truth is, we cannot really change anyone. They need to be willing to recognize their own nuances and work through them. What is left to do for you? To prioritize yourself, and your needs and make a decision based on your life.