Sex is one of the most intimate and pleasurable experiences we can have, but it's not always easy to fully immerse ourselves in the moment. Especially between busy work life, responsibilities and expectations, you may find yourself focusing on irrelevant thoughts during sex.

Our minds can wander, and we may feel self-conscious or distracted, and this can detract from our pleasure and connection with our partner.

Learning to be more present during sex can enhance your enjoyment and deepen your intimacy. Whether you're looking to improve your sexual experiences with a partner or enhance your solo sex life, these tips can help you stay focused and fully engaged in the present moment.

Why is it difficult for some people to be present during sex? 

There can be a few reasons why one may feel disconnected during sex. Here are just a few reasons why someone may feel disconnected during sex:

 

Stress

The most common reason why one may be in their head during sex is tension, stress, and anxiety that we carry over during the day. If you think about it, during the day our minds are mostly focused on the future or the past; we hardly live in the present. This reflects on our sexperience as well, affecting overall sexual performance, the intimacy that we create with our partners as well as our sex experience.

 

Body discomfort

Sometimes when one is experiencing physical pain, that can be a distraction during sex as well. They may already be concerned or worried that the pain will affect sex. Just the anticipation and worry are enough to disconnect physically and emotionally. For example, if you experience vaginismus, you may fear sex, or worry that “it will hurt”, which will result in tensing the body naturally.

 

Trauma

Another very important reason can be a history of trauma. In these cases, even the idea of sex can trigger lots of difficult emotions such as guilt, shame, or resentment; leaving the person feeling more insecure or vulnerable. Additionally, people who experience trauma may be in a dissociative state in general as a form of coping. Therefore, it may be even more challenging for them to connect with their bodies during sex.

 

Preconceived notions about sex

Finally, depending on cultural and religious backgrounds, some people tend to be more reserved when it comes to sex. This is because they grew up hearing and witnessing negative information about sex. Therefore, subconsciously they are conditioned to “protect” themselves from sex or sexual experiences.

 

How can mindfulness and a calm mindset help people feel more present during sex?

Mindfulness itself is an act of being present. When we live in the present, we are disconnected from the tensions, worries, emotions, expectations, and possibilities that we carry with us. In other words, when we just allow ourselves to “be”, that’s when we can truly be ourselves. 

Mindfulness shows us the path to relax and feel comfortable within our bodies. When we are relaxed and present, we can then tune into our body’s tendencies, desires, and pleasures. That’s also when we can allow our body and mind to take over and lead us to a pleasurable and fun sexual experience.

With the help of mindfulness, one can tune into their senses such as touch, smell, sounds, and even taste; the most important elements of sex.

 

 

Tips to get out of your head during sex:

1.     Practice a self-help tool:

The first and easiest step for anyone is practicing a self-help method such as meditation, mindfulness or breathwork; preferably regularly but especially on the days that you’re stressed. You wouldn’t show up to your partner without taking a shower for days, right? Then you should do the same when it comes to your mental cleansing.

 

2.     Try “Box Breathing”:

A quick way to recalibrate yourself before sex can be practicing a short breathing technique. For example, the “box breathing” technique is quick and very effective for energizing the body while bringing the mind to the present.

 

3.     Try 3-2-1 Mindfulness:

Another quick exercise can be a 3-2-1 mindfulness technique; simply pick 3 things you see, 2 things you hear, and 1 thing you feel. This can help recreate a connection between the body and the mind.

 

4.     Get help with trauma:

If you have a history of trauma or any issue that is related or unrelated to sex, it would be valuable to do the inner work to process and integrate. This type of work is valuable not only for sex but also to improve self-image -which also affects your presence during sex!-

 

5.     Keep the focus on your breath

One of the simplest and most effective ways to be more present during sex is to focus on your breath. Deep breathing can help you relax and stay in the moment. When we're anxious or stressed, our breath becomes shallow and rapid, which can make it difficult to focus on the present moment.

By taking slow, deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth; you can calm your nervous system and bring yourself back into the present moment.

As you inhale, imagine the breath moving down into your belly. As you exhale, imagine any tension or stress leaving your body. You can also synchronize your breathing with your partner's, which can create a deeper sense of intimacy.

 

6.     Engage your senses

Another way to be more present during sex is to engage your senses. Pay attention to the physical sensations of touch, smell, taste, and sound. By focusing on your senses, you can bring yourself fully into the moment and heighten your pleasure.

For example, you might focus on the feel of your partner's skin against yours, the scent of their hair, the taste of their lips, or the sounds they make. If you're feeling distracted or anxious, taking a moment to focus on your senses can help you come back to the present moment.

 

7.     Use visualization techniques

Visualization techniques can also help you be more present during sex. Visualization involves creating a mental picture of the sensations you're experiencing.

For example, you might visualize warm, glowing energy moving through your body as you make love. Or you might imagine a beautiful, serene landscape that helps you feel calm and relaxed. 

Visualization techniques can be especially helpful if you find your mind wandering or if you're feeling anxious or distracted. They can help you focus your attention on the present moment and the physical sensations you're experiencing.

 

8.     Practice other types of mindfulness

Mindfulness is a practice that involves being fully present in the moment, without judgment. You can practice mindfulness during sex by simply noticing your thoughts and feelings as they arise, and then letting them go.

Try to stay focused on the sensations you're experiencing, rather than getting caught up in your thoughts. If you find yourself getting distracted or anxious, gently bring your attention back to the present moment.  

Mindfulness can be especially helpful if you're feeling self-conscious or if you're worried about your performance. By staying present in the moment, you can let go of any negative thoughts or emotions and fully enjoy the experience.

 

9.     Use hypnotherapy

Hypnotherapy can also be a powerful tool for being more present during sex. Hypnosis can help you relax and access deeper levels of consciousness, allowing you to be more fully present in the moment.

Hypnotherapy can also help you overcome any subconscious barriers that may be preventing you from fully enjoying sex.

For example, if you have negative beliefs or emotions related to sex, such as shame or guilt, hypnotherapy can help you reprogram your subconscious mind and develop more positive associations with sex.

 

 

Wrapping up

Being more present during sex can enhance your pleasure and deepen your connection with your partner. It's important to remember that being present during sex is not about achieving a certain outcome or performance. It's about letting go of any distractions or negative thoughts and simply being in the moment with your partner.

It's also important to communicate with your partner about what helps you stay present during sex. Every person is different, and what works for one person may not work for another. By communicating openly and honestly with your partner, you can create a safe and comfortable environment where both of you can fully enjoy the experience.

Finally, it's worth noting that being present during sex is not always easy. Our minds can be easily distracted these days, and it's natural to experience anxiety or self-consciousness. The key is to be patient with yourself and your partner and to approach sex with a sense of curiosity and openness.