Imagine when you were just born, do you think you lacked self-worth even then? If that’s too far to remember, think of a 2-year-old toddler who is exploring the world. Do you think babies and kids lack self-worth as well? Clearly, they do have self-worth since we can spot little kids waving “hi” to strangers, falling repeatedly, and still standing up while they learn walking, boldly jumping from heights they are not familiar with, or saying silly things even when people around are laughing at them. Probably, growing up, you also did at least one of these cute acts, when you were free and weren’t thinking of “you are not good enough” or “you are not worthy”.

When we are first born, we start exploring the world with a clear understanding that we are welcome, wanted, and loved. However, as we grow up and try to make sense out of the actions of our social group, we tend to drift apart from what we knew naturally. Why does it happen and why do we tend to forget what we knew so deeply when we were born? 

Growing up, as we try to understand where we stand in society and how we should be adapting to the environmental cues, we start developing our conscious idea of self. This conscious idea of self usually consists of what we observe, hear, and experience from others. In other words, it is mostly a learned idea of self which is very different than the intuitive self that we relied on when we were born. There may be many reasons why someone lacks self-worth but the most common reasons are:

Being criticized by parents

As a toddler who is very attached to the caregiver, we are very vulnerable to their reactions. A child who constantly hears things like “You can’t do that I will do it for you”, “You are stupid” or “Don’t you understand, I already thought you how to do this”, the child will start internalizing the meanings of these sentences. Eventually, harsh criticisms from parents may result in low self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, and lack of confidence.

Parenting Style 

Parenting styles directly affect the child throughout their infancy into their adulthood. Even as adults, we end up carrying the belief systems that we unconsciously created as a little child. Caregivers usually affect their kid’s ideas of self-worth negatively without even realizing it. A dominant caregiver who takes on every responsibility of the child or a caregiver who is constantly working and emotionally neglecting may leave the child feeling worthless.

Childhood trauma

Children are very vulnerable to other people’s manipulation since their conscious filtration process is not fully established yet. When people take advantage of children, their idea of self, worthiness, and trust in their own capabilities get damaged. Physical and emotional abuse, witnessing abuse, and negligence are amongst the most scarring experiences a child can have.

Bullying, humiliation

Negative experiences in a social environment during childhood can leave deep marks on a child’s self-worth. When children are bullied because of their looks, their school success, or their family background, their self-esteem and confidence get affected negatively. Later on, this can prolong into the workplace and toxic patterns may continue in other social environments as well.

Media and society

Scrolling down through social media became the norm lately. However, in the long run, social media is hurting our self-esteem and self-worth by feeding us unrealistic comparisons. Every time we look through social media we start thinking “wish I was there”, “wish I was that skinny”, “wish my life was like that”. We discount the fact that nobody has a perfect life and people only share the glamorous parts of their lives on social media. Our mind twists this reality and we start believing that we are “the wrong one” or we are just “not good enough”.

Negative belief systems

When a negative belief system about one’s self is acquired due to reasons listed above or any other reason, the mind internalizes it and looks for reasons to prove that the belief system is in fact, correct. For example, you may find that you are focusing on times when you failed more than the times you succeeded. Negative belief systems about self, reinforce the idea of worthlessness.

How to Increase Your Self-Worth?

There are many different approaches to increase self-worth that work differently for different people. Here are a few steps that you can start applying to your life and start improvements starting from today: 

• Challenge yourself daily. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said once “Do one thing every day that scares you.” Make sure to get out of your comfort zone to train your mind to be resilient and adapt to changes easily.

• Stop your negative self-talk. Most people hear the negative voice talking them down or discouraging them when they are about to accomplish something. If you hear that voice, become aware of it and change it with a positive comment instead.

• Minimize social media exposure. Social media is not only hurting your self-worth but also it is making you lonelier, increasing your anxiety and you are more prone to depression. Is it really worth it? Turn off your notifications, establish daily social media limits, or tell your friends that you will not be as active on social media anymore.

• Focus on others. When you are delivering a presentation, a speech or simply talking to someone, focus on others. When you focus on yourself, you hear the negative voice loud and clear and you may feel more nervous. However, if you focus on the value that you are delivering and the people who are receiving this value, you will recognize your self-worth more!

• Focus on the positives. As mentioned above, when you believe that you lack self-worth, your mind focuses on negative experiences that will support this belief system. To counter this effect, consciously pay attention to positive experiences. Think of what you achieved, how you helped others, or your success stories -even the smallest ones! Because they matter! -.